物理幽默

1,
Q: Why won't Heisenberg's operators live in the suburbs?
为什么海森堡算子不住在郊区
A: They don't commute.
他们不对易（不坐车上班）

2,
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a rat?
老鼠从猪身上爬过去（叉乘），你得到什么？
A: Pig rat sine theta.


3,
So this neutron walks into a bar, orders a pint of lager and begins to open his wallet when the barman says, "For you, no charge!".
中子走进酒吧，点了一品脱啤酒。拿出钱包买单，酒吧服务员对他说,”你免费（没有电荷）“
4,
At the physics exam: 'Describe the universe in 200 words and give three examples.'
物理考试有这样一道题:"描述一下宇宙,限200字以内,并给出三个例子."

5,纽约靠站
A student recognizes Einstein in a train and asks: Excuse me, professor, but does New York stop by this train?
一个学生在火车上认出了爱因斯坦,便问:"教授，纽约在这个火车边停吗."
6,阿拉斯加超导体
Researchers in Fairbanks Alaska announced last week that they have discovered a superconductor which will operate at room temperature.
阿拉斯加菲尔班克斯的研究人员宣布，他们发现了室温超导体。（这里有点夸张了，高温超导最高临界温度在120多K，阿拉斯加最低室温也得-50多摄氏度）
7对数与木材
The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'. A student copied the answer from the good student next to him, but didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer slightly, to 'timber(1+x)'
考试时，一个学生从他旁边同学的试卷上抄袭答案， log(1+x)。为了不使自己的作弊太明显，他将答案改写为timber(1+x)
（log，原木，timber，木材）
8， 这个笑话有点x
One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that AB did not equal BA.
9，峰和谷
The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office, waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason (long logical explanation follows).' In the middle of it, the experimentalist says 'Wait a minute', studies the chart for a second, and says, 'Oops, this is upside down.' He fixes it. 'Hmmm,' says the theorist, 'you'd expect to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...'
实验学家让理论学家看他刚得到几个图。“嗯。。。”，理论学家说，“这里就应该出现一个峰，道理是这样的------------”，讲到一半，理论学家突然发现，他把图看到了。“嗯--------”，理论学家接着讲，“这里就应该有个谷，道理是这样的-------”
10，物理学家和神灯
A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, 'I wish you to bring peace in this region'.

After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, 'Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me'.

Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, 'I wish that the Princeton tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even.'

After another deliberation the genie asks, 'Could I see that map again?'
普林斯顿一个等离子体物理学家在沙滩上捡到一个古老的油灯，灯里出来一个妖怪，妖怪可以让他实现一个愿望。物理学家指着地图，说，“你能给中东带去和平吗”，妖怪为难地说:"这里太复杂了，黎巴嫩、巴勒斯坦、以色列、伊拉克。换个愿望行吗？“
物理学家想了一会，说：”你能让普林斯顿的托卡马克装置实现聚变能吗？“妖怪想了一会儿，说：”你在让我看看地图行吗？“
11， 物理学家、工程师、数学家救火What is the difference between a physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician?

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.
房子中间着火了，旁边有一桶水。
工程师看见了，会直接把水倒在火上浇灭它。
物理学家看见了，会把水倒在火旁边，让火自己熄灭。
数学家看见了，会说，这个问题可以解决，然后，离开了。

12，猫落体实验
An experimental physicist performs an experiment involving two cats, and an inclined tin roof.

The two cats are very nearly identical; same sex, age, weight, breed, eye and hair color.

The physicist places both cats on the roof at the same height and lets them both go at the same time. One of the cats fall off the roof first so obviously there is some difference between the two cats.

What is the difference?

One cat has a greater mew
实验物理学家做了这样一个实验。将两个几乎完全相同的猫（相同的性别、年龄、毛色、品种、体重等）从屋顶滑下。结果，这两只猫有些明显不同。
有什么不同呢？
其中一只猫叫得声音更大。
13， 安培的猫洞
French physicist Ampere (1775-1836) had two cats, one big and a one small, and he loved them very much. But when the door was closed cats couldn't enter or exit the room. So Ampere ordered two holes to be made in his door: one big for the big cat, and one small for the small cat
法国物理学家安培有两只猫，一大一小，他很喜欢它们。但是，当门关上的时候，猫就不能进出放假了。于是，安培在门上挖了两个洞，大猫打洞，小猫小洞。
14，物理学家和数学家上美女
A psychologist makes an experiment with a mathematician and a physicist. He puts a good-looking, naked woman in a bed in one corner of the room and the mathematician on a chair in another one, and tells him: 'I´ll half the distance between you and the woman every five minutes, and you´re not allowed to stand up.' the mathematician runs away, yelling: 'in that case, I´ll never get to this woman!'. After that, the psychologist takes the physicist and tells him the plan. The physicist starts grinning. the psychologist asks him: 'but you´ll never get to this woman?', the physicists tells him: 'sure, but for all practical things this is a good approximation.'
心理学家用一个物理学家和一个数学家做实验。他让一个漂亮的裸体女郎睡在房间一角的床上，让一个数学家坐在房间另一角的椅子上。心理学家说：”我每五分钟试你与女郎之间的距离减半，但是，你不能站起来。“数学家听完之后哭着跑了，”我永远不会到达那个女郎。“然而，物理学家听完之后，裂口而笑。心理学家说，”你笑什么，你永远到达不了那个女郎。“，物理学家回答，”我知道，但是，对于真实情况，这是很好的近似了。“
15，
Two atoms bump into each other. One says 'I think I lost an electron!' The other asks, 'Are you sure?', to which the first replies, 'I'm positive.'
两个原子撞在一起。
”我丢了一个电子“
”真的吗？“
”我确定（正的）“
16，海森堡超速
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says 'Do you know how fast you were going?' Heisenberg says 'No, but I know where I am.'
海森堡开车被交警拦下了
”你知道你开多快吗？“
”不知道，但是我知道我在哪儿？“
17，小鸡过马路
Why did the chicken cross the road?
鸡为什么过马路？
Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
牛顿：静止的鸡保持静止，运动的鸡过马路
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends on your frame of reference.
爱因斯坦：是鸡过马路还是马路过鸡，依赖于你的参考系。
18，真空中的球形鸡
There is this farmer who is having problems with his chickens. All of the sudden, they are all getting very sick and he doesn't know what is wrong with them. After trying all conventional means, he calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to see if they can figure out what is wrong. So the biologist looks at the chickens, examines them a bit, and says he has no clue what could be wrong with them. Then the chemist takes some tests and makes some measurements, but he can't come to any conclusions either. So the physicist tries. He stands there and looks at the chickens for a long time without touching them or anything. Then all of the sudden he starts scribbling away in a notebook. Finally, after several gruesome calculations, he exclaims, 'I've got it! But it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum.'
农场的鸡病了。农场主请来生物学家、化学家和物理学家来看一下鸡出了什么问题。生物学家对鸡做了一番检查，最后说，不知道鸡得的什么病。化学家作了一番试验和测量，最后也没查出什么个所以然。物理学家站在那儿，对着鸡看了一会，甚至都没去动一下那只鸡。然后，拿出笔记本开始写了起来，最后，经过一番可怕的计算，物理学家说，”搞定了，可是，只适用于真空中的球形鸡。“
19
Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says 'I'll have what he's having.'

转自：格致